the · secrets · of · american · adolescence

i'm having body image issues...and it's not like i'm not trying to change this. i go to the gym...alot. idk.

answer with one word only

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? love

3. Your hair? dyke

4. Your grandma? crazies

5. Your father? smart

6. Your favorite item? jeans

7. Your dream last night? weird

8. Your favorite drink? tea

9. Your dream car? scout

10. The room you are in? den

11. Your ex? iowa

12. Your fear? alone

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? jobless

14. Who did you hang out with last night? kimmie

15. What you're not? satisfied

16. Muffins? Type? yes,blueberry

17: One of your wish list items? ring

19. The last thing you did? farewell

20. What are you wearing? clothes

22. Your favorite book? t.v.

23. The last thing you ate? subway

24. Your life? stressful

25. Your mood? tired

26. Your friends: family

27. What are you thinking about right now? jacy

28. Your car? toyota

29. What are you doing at the moment? survey

30. Your summer? fat

31. Your relationship status? involved

32. What is on your tv? seinfeld

33. When is the last time you laughed? earlier

34. Last time you cried? today

i want to move so bad...i need help

okay i give up. on most everything. i'm just going to live in zachary and get even fatter and have short dyke hair.

i cut all my hair off b/c it was rotten and i'm so upset. :( i guess it will take another two years to grow it out.

i've been so foolish for the past month and a half. i need to make no effort. he's the one who needs to bust his ass to make all this right. not me!

jacy treats me like nobody else ever has. it's crazy really how incredible he is...and how incredibly lucky i am.

ashley had his tubes put in today. he's okay...but he acts like he's scared to go back to sleep. hope that stops and he's a happier baby b/c of this surgery.

ccds xmas party this sunday...teekel family/colin and them/work party saturday night. i don't know if i want to go to any of the saturday night ones. we'll see.

your little girlfriend's livejournal post made me want to vomit. i love how she is the reason you gave you your son and you won't admit that to me or yourself. good job girl!

i'm going to a semi fancy christmas party with meg tonight. it's for her family's neighborhood...so we are looking normal tonight! damn sometimes i think i feel way better looking like a civilian (sp?). i never post on here...but i'm doing okay. things are still as weird/wild as ever...but i'm making it through. i finished xmas shopping for ash. he's going to get too much stuff. he's such a beautiful baby!

i went to mutha fuckin' jazzercise tonight!

i have to fucking do something with my life and fast. i'm dying here in b.f.e. i don't want to live here for an extended period of time so i feel like i'm wasting most of my energy building a clientel somewhere i don't want to be. i want to live where there are interesting people...where i have company that shares my interests...i'm sick of being the "weird interesting goofy girl" here. my trip this past week gave me some sort of new found freedom. for once i did what i want when it concerned jarret, ash, and myself. i finally made me own fucking decisions...i didn't let anyone talk me out of it. i feel like i turned over a new leaf...this week also brought me closer to ashley. i gotta get out of my mothers house if i want to feel in control of my situation. i feel like i'm going to drown here. i hate money by the way...i hate it. i hate social status...i'm starting to hate religion...all of these things have at one point or are currently holding me back from happiness. i don't want ash to grow up fearing my or my opinion...i don't want him to be held back b/c of what i believe or what the majority of the people around him belive...whether it be religious or political views...i want him to grow up making himself happy...of course i want to make him happy too...but i damnit i don't even know i'm rambling all my thoughts...but the point of all this is ashley and i have to get out of here as fast as possible...i'm looking for grants and assistance right now.

NEWS FLASH! i'm a fucking adult. i need to make my own decisions.

i was so irate

i'm so ridiciouly scared right now. the next week and a half my mind will be mush. i have to be honest with everyone...no matter what. i'm an adult and i can make my own decisions. SCARED SCARED...scared stupid.

i met jacy's family this weekend. i adore his mom. she's so stinkin' cute and smiley. we had such a good time this weekend. we went out sat. night and i had an awesome time. his friends are so insane. and joel's girlfriend muffin is a riot. i got poison ivy at his mom's farm and i almost freaked out last night in a bad way...but he let me take a long shower and he went to the store to get me some itch medicine and he filled up my car with gas while he was out. so all in all...i'm in love. i never knew what it felt like.

this morning started off while i was still asleep. i dreamed about jarret. it wasn't awful, but it made my heart hurt. it was almost like a commercial for a reality tv show...where this "rock'n'roll" dad takes care of his kid...and skateboards through his son's school halls...yadda yadda. the worst part of the "preview" was jarret and ashley eating at the mall with some girl who wasn't me...and was obviously some baby bitch ha. then i dreamed that i was looking at his pictures on myspace and there were these tons of people jumping off of rock cliffs into a river...and i always seemed to find jarret and his girlfriend holding hands amongst the tons of people...but the weird thing is that the picture would "come alive" and i'd watch them jump off together. it was weird. and b/c of this dream i looked at his livejournal today...and he actually wrote something...he said he'd never be happy without his son. i like how his friends think i'm the ridiculous one. if only they really knew. if that girl's boyfriend did to her what jarret did to us...she'd feel differently. anyway i'm just carrying on. i'm slowly becoming more independant. i'm making more money. who knows when we'll be able to live by ourselves...but with time we'll be able to. my boyfriend treats me so good. he's the most patient man i've ever met. i just hope one day he can love ashley as much as he loves me. hopefully i won't be thinking about this jarret thing all day long.
oh and...
"ive heard from so many people to stay away from him, that im just going to get my heart broken.
that fact is, i cant stay away. if he is going to break my heart, its worth it."
i wish i could tell her that those people are right. things are magical when you're with him...but he's selfish and he'll stomp on you're heart hard...and it's not worth it...and after he does break your heart, you won't be the same...ever...oh and i'm glad she's on birth control...like me. ha

i just want to get drunk this weekend...is that so much to ask for?

let's see...my dad said clean out my car for monday so we can go shop for another one.  maybe this time he'll actually follow through with it.  putting ashley in and out of the two door car is killing me.  i want baby dumptruck/max puppies.  they'd be so stinkin' cute!

ashley seems like he's getting sick again.  i hope it's not another ear infection.  jacy and i were going to take him swimming this weekend...but if he's sick that's out of the question.  i really hope he isn't getting the stomach bug i had.  that crap is miserable!  

i answered a phone call from a number i didn't recognize....i thought i was going to vomit when i realized who it was.  the phone call just reminded me of how badly i need to get a lawyer to draw up some papers.  yeah...we both know it's what's best.

if this is another...i miss him so bad we never see each other relationship...somebody shoot me. it's just that he's in nyc on vaca...but still...two weeks is a really long time.

ashley is the most beautiful little boy i've ever set my eyes on. he's so freaking sweet and sensitive...but he is as rough as sand paper at the same time. his father is missing out on a lot. i hope ashley get's the daddy figure he deserves one day.

i watched elizabetown yester day...and although it may not be the best movie ever...i almost started crying several times. cameron crowe just knows how to yank your emotions around. oh and orlando bloom is in it and yeah...kirsten dunst is my fav.

ask me about how happy i am...b/c i'm happy.